<3 Ready to Fly <3

02.20.10 (1:05 am)   [edit]

I spread my wings and fly away,

Decided to catch my dreams today,

I glance back to see outstretched hands,

For they’re still waiting in the stands,

Until their day to rise,

And see through their youthful guise.

 

Droplets forming in my eyes,

I’m far away but can still hear their cries,

I can see the sun rising ahead,

But in this rain, I feel dead.

 

A shining star brushes by my cheek,

And I realize I can’t do this alone; I’m just too weak,

So the rain pours down as I turn back,

There’s something I forgot to pack.

 

My wings take me down,

And I land in the stands of my town,

My friends stand there just staring at me,

The rain has cleared and I can finally see,

“I can’t do this without you”,

“And we need you too.”

 

I shake the rain from my wing,

And begin to sing,

“Let’s join hands,

I know you guys understand.

 

Let us form as one,

Let the fighting be done,

We can do it together,

You’ve seen what we can weather.

 

I may have my dreams,

And will follow those streams,

But we’re in this together,

Don’t let our friendships sever.”

 

Today my friends joined hand-in-hand,

Realizing these childish quarrels aren’t what we planned,

Took steps together towards the rain,

Finally rid of anger and blame,

We spread our wings and flew away,

Decided to catch our dreams today…

 

0 Comments

02.20.10 (1:03 am)   [edit]
Taking it Back

Fuck you asshole,

Get out of my head,

There’s something of mine you stole,

And now I feel dead.

Do you feel like a man,

Because you’re stronger than a child,

This wasn’t in my plan,

And you just fucking smiled.

Now I’m just not right,

And I want you to pay,

My fists are wound tight,

In the dirt you shall lay.

Fuck you asshole,

Get out of my bed,

There’s something of mine you stole,

And I’ll cut you till you’re dead.

Do you feel like a man,

Now that you lost to a child,

This was my plan,

And I can fucking smile.

You stole my innocence,

And I took it back,

That’s all past tense,

And now a life you lack.

0 Comments

*~Mini Poems~*

02.20.10 (12:57 am)   [edit]

This world is changing pretty fast,

right before my eyes,

leaving me to turn to the past,

To decipher all the lies

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~** ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do a little dance, Get up and sing,

Take a chance,

And shake that burden from your wing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~** ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now an adult at the age of nineteen,

So much has happened you haven’t seen,

Seven years have flown so fast,

Terrifying secrets in my past,

At night I want to scream,

For I know this isn’t a dream,

Even if things are spinning,

And guilty faces grinning,

I know my lips must stay sealed,

Until the broken ones have healed.

*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I’m not a little girl anymore,

You can’t tell me what to do,

I’ll point to the door,

And tell you to go screw,

I’m no longer afraid,

Or small and naïve,

Not a little girl with the pony-tail braid,

Now a woman you can’t easily deceive.

Instead of looking down,

I’m always looking up,

You won’t see me frown,

For I see the half-full cup,

Always standing tall,

Through the thick and thin,

Not going to fall,

Now that I can win.

I’m not a little girl anymore,

You can’t make me scream,

I’ll reach for the stars and soar,

Create my own dream,

I’m not a child, crying and sore,

I won’t be knocked down with a kick of your shoe,

I’ll point to the door,

And tell you to go screw .

0 Comments

Happy 22nd Birthday Karen- Poem for my sister

11.20.09 (12:32 am)   [edit]
Happy 22nd Birthday Karen

 

Though two years apart,

I always felt the beating of one heart,

for we shared a special bond,

Your spirit my magic wand.

 

We grew up side by side,

And held one another when we cried,

I knew everything would be alright,

For you taught me to stand up and fight.

 

I learned from you not to give in,

That getting back up is half the win,

And sometimes facing a strife,

Will lead you to a better life.

 

There was a time I was trapped in a cloud,

I couldn’t hear my own voice-everything was so loud,

I watched you climb higher and higher,

Clearly untouched by the searing fire.

 

I didn’t understand how you made it so high,

You just shook off the soot and started to fly,

Then I watched as you caught a shiney star,

And realized our dreams were never too far.

 

You waited for me up there in the sun,

And for once I didn’t want to run,

I saw that you lent me a hand,

And it was okay to need help to stand.

 

Thanks for being my guiding light,

The one who made the monsters go away in the night,

You’re my sister, my friend,

And someone I can always depend.

 

Happy Birthday to you,

On your day of two-two,

Make wishes for the new,

And watch them come true.

 

I Love you Ka!

<3 Lee~Lee

5 Comments

My Truth

10.30.09 (12:23 am)   [edit]

The Lights are going out,

 While stars twinkle about,

 I climb into my bed,

 And dreams dance through my head.

 

 Another night out of reach,

 Strong arms that I can’t breach,

 Heart’s racing, racing in my chest,

 I keep expecting another guest.

 

My eyes shoot open with the door,

Chills wash over, cooling my core,

Shadowy figure looms over my bed,

 I roll over and cover my heard.

 

My eyes are closed so tight,

But I’m ready to put up a fight,

I don’t know if he’s real,

But soon my clothes he’ll peel.

 

I’ll kick and twist and hit,

His hand I almost bit,

But soon he’ll catch my hands,

And I’ll be forced to his demands.

 

He’ll talk and I won’t understand,

Annoyed he’ll slap me with his hand,

And tears will streak my cheeks,

For I know what he seeks.

 

A memory plays through my head,

I wanted to be dead,

When life really changed,

And left me rearranged.

 

Everything is spinning fast,

Memories flood me from my past,

I’m thinking, thinking, what to do,

Mom I want to run to you.

 

From his pocket comes a stick,

He jabs it down and I feel a prick,

And suddenly the world’s not clear,

I fade in and out and it’s hard to bear.

 

I open my mouth to scream,

But I can’t—just like in my dream,

Hardly a sound escapes my lips,

And now I feel him against my hips.

 

Someone help me, I think I say,

But it’s getting so damn hard to stay,

In and out of consciousness, Wondering, wondering where’s my sis?

 

My arms so heavy as I push him away,

He knocks them to the bed, and there they stay,

I tell them to move, to get up and fight,

But all I can do is lay still in the night.

 

I wake again to the forsaking,

Of my innocence that he’s taking,

deep inside me grows a pit,

and with each thrust that's what he hit.

 

Mommy come and save me,

Can’t you hear my plea,

I’m in the room beside you,

I know you love me too.

 

Sister can't hear you my call,

I’m only down the hall,

I don't know what I did to you,

don't you love me at all?

 

Now I am growing tired,

and childhood's expired,

I'm slowly sinking under,

into the land of wonder.

 

Then suddenly I jump awake,

and I can't help but shake,

as I lay bare in my bed,

thoughts stream through my head.

 

I'm all alone and crying,

I feel like just dying,

why could no one hear my plea,

how come he did that to me?

 

I dress and climb back into bed,

I can't remember what he said,

I know I'm not supposed to tell,

that at least rings a bell.

 

The drugs have nearly worn,

but inside my body's torn,

and all I can think about,

is why didn't I shout?

 

I coulda tried to kick him,

and the lights were pretty dim,

I shouldda kept up the fight,

none of this is right.

 

Now the sun is rising,

the truth I am disguising,

As I tell myself,

you must put this on a shelf.

 

That day I left behind me,

who I didn't want to be,

I started to be someone new,

guess I didn't think it through.

 

I pretended it was all a lie,

tossed it out with no good-bye,

I really had myself fooled,

and for many months this new girl ruled.

 

Then one day in the shower,

my illusion lost its power,

It started with a wave,

and in the dizziness I caved.

 

Thought I felt a pinch,

I couldn't help but flinch,

then I slipped and fell,

into the depths of hell.

 

Everything came rushing back,

the new girl began to pack,

images flashed before my eyes,

and down came all my lies.

 

As I slowly remembered more,

life around me tore,

I feared the end of each day,

I just wanted to run away.

 

It was a secret I just couldn't tell, t

hey'd just say "why didn't you yell",

and I don’t know what to say,

I don’t even remember most of that day.

 

It’s like a terrible dream,

That makes me scream,

I feel like it’s written all over my face,

Like everyone knows all over the place.

 

I know they really don’t,

And if I don’t tell them they won’t,

But sometimes I just want to open the vault,

Yell to them “It wasn’t my fault!”

 

But I can’t open my mouth,

Or everything will go south,

Like back a bunch of years,

When our family was brought to tears.

 

I can’t put them through that again,

They went through enough way back then,

And I can’t let them look at me,

For I’m afraid what they may see.

 

Words from the past skip through my head,

“she probably asked for it”, that’s what they said,

I knew that they were wrong then,

And I was barely older than ten.

 

But I’m not as strong as her,

I would curl up and die for sure,

I can’t just tell them to go screw,

I couldn’t bare it if they knew.

 

I’m the little sister that’s supposed to be naïve,

But really I’m a girl that learned how to deceive,

I put up all these faces,

And wasn’t in gods good graces.

 

I am proud of who I am,

And I don’t give a damn,

What you think,

Go ahead and say it- I won’t even blink.

 

Although I am mature,

I wouldn’t want you to endure,

The last six years of my life,

For they surely were a strife.

 

I used to hate my room,

I’d lay in my bed and it felt like a tomb,

So I hung up each token,

Clippings, words and the broken.

 

With the brilliant plan I had devised,

My room was now disguised,

I thought that’s what I wanted,

But really it came back and haunted

 

Any mention of that word,

Everything spun, tightened and blurred,

Each picture only reminded me,

That there’s something I didn’t want to see.

 

Only last year I broke free,

Took down the fake- what’s left is me,

My walls may be bare,

But I don’t care.

 

I have learned how to cope,

Hold strong to my hope,

And maybe, just maybe one day,

I’ll be able to say:

      “Mom and dad I’m sorry,

    & nbsp; I didn’t mean to blame,

    & nbsp; I have been so chary,

    & nbsp; And haven’t been the same.

 

    & nbsp; Sister you just gotta know,

    & nbsp; It wasn’t your fault either,

    & nbsp; I didn’t mean to be so low,

    & nbsp; But it wasn’t my fault neither.

 

    & nbsp; I tried and tried to call for help,

    & nbsp; But he was just too strong,

    & nbsp; I did get out a tiny yelp,

    & nbsp; But didn’t last too long.

 

    & nbsp; He rapped and drugged me,

    & nbsp; And there was nothing you could do,

    & nbsp; He was as quiet as can be,

    & nbsp; As not you wake you.

 

    & nbsp; I have lived in secrecy,

    & nbsp; And told you many lies,

    & nbsp; You said I lived in a fantasy,

    & nbsp; Now do you wonder why?

 

    & nbsp; Do not blame yourself,

    & nbsp; Or let your teary eyes brim

    & nbsp; I even blamed myself,

    & nbsp; When I should have blamed him.

 

    & nbsp; I do not want your pity,

    & nbsp; I do not want more shame,

    & nbsp; Now put behind the bitty,

    & nbsp; So things can stay the same.

 

    & nbsp; If you’re asking why I tell you,

    & nbsp; This really wasn’t planned

    & nbsp; Sometimes I don’t know what to do,

    & nbsp; I just want you to understand.

3 Comments

Whispers in the Crowd

01.07.09 (3:32 pm)   [edit]

I used to be the whisper in the crowd,

thinking that no one could hear me above the loud.

 

 

A girl somewhere was screaming, "The world is at its end,

 for me and Johnny Johnson's love can surely never mend."

A yelp from Sammie Simpson who burst to tears,

for Maggie kissed the boy that she liked for years.

Jamie Jacobs threw a fit,

for Robbie claims, "I touched her tit"

And Billy Benson picked a fight,

for Bradly took his girl out for a bite.

 

 

 

Suddenly I heard a whisper that wasn't my own,

"I'll kill them, those idiots, shoot them all." with a groan.

I turned to the voice, whispering back, "But why?"

"For their ignorance, and little problems, they say they want to die"

 

 

 

And then her story began,

It all stated with these words, "We ran,

My mother and brothers and I,

it was either that or die"

Her father was in the mob,

she knew all about his job,

killing was a way of life,

it was okay to stab someone with a knife.

Her mother couldn't take it any more,

she took her kids and ran out the door,

hid miles away, and didn't fight when big brother took her youngest kid,

at least she'd stand a chance and be safely hid.

she can't go home often or sleep in her bed,

and lives knowning her dad wants her dead.

 

 

 

She couldn't understand why these kids were yelling,

So I began telling,

"What would you do if you had a kid,

let them live as you did, or keep it all hid?"

Her jaw dropped, "They would never know!"

I explained that the parents here try not to let the bad show,

they shield them as long as they can,

living the hard life is no mother's plan.

 

 

 

"I get it" she spoke,

and her angry barrier broke.

That day she made a friend,

and learned it was okay to depend.

 

 

 

I used to think that my whisper couldn't be heard,

but I know without it, the problem couldn't have been cured,

Maybe we should be paying more attention to the quiet voices,

so that we as individuals can make better choices.

 

 

 

P.S. (Remove those four loud voices, and you'll learn that its been the quiet ones together you've been hearing all along. Your whisper- your voice makes a difference)

 

 

 

This poem came from real life. I met a new student who was so upset by all the kids complaining about their boyfriends and little problems. She said they were so ignorant and should be taught a lesson. She was planning to have a bunch of people show up with guns, and shoot people to "teach them a lesson". We'd been making small talk for a couple of weeks and little by little she'd opened up to me about her tough life. Somehow I convinced her that these kids were "blissfully ignorant" and if she could pick a life for someone, she'd wish them the same. She decided not to bring harm on us. She wasn't used to the suburbs, and it was a big change for her. She's slowly adjusting. :) My happiest/ most proud moment in my life.

0 Comments

Love come knocking on my heart

07.25.08 (2:02 am)   [edit]

Love come knocking on my heart

 

I thought that things could change,

 I prayed that I’d find hope,

I need my world to rearrange,

So I can learn to cope.

One day I will be better,

 I will raise above,

Look back upon this letter,

And open up to love.

I thought that I could heal,

 All by myself,

Instead I made a deal,

To forget it on a shelf.

He only took my innocence,

But I let him have my life,

I needed to commence,

And pull out that knife.

I saw that things could change,

And I found my hope,

The world began to rearrange,

And I learned to cope.

Today I am better,

I am up above,

Finishing this letter,

Now that I found love.

0 Comments

Christmas Fuss

12.24.07 (6:05 pm)   [edit]
My family has overgone a bunch of changes over the years. I'm used to that. I can accept change. My father brought his girlfriend and one of her kids to our house to live here. Supposedly it's going on three years together... which somehow doesn't add up according to other things, but I never bring that up- none of us do. Mom's got a new boyfriend, and he's pretty cool. Easy going, and knows that kids come first. Someone should have told my dad that years ago. Oh wait! We did, he just never listened. It's christmas eve, so I have to get this all out now you see. This is how I work. I vent, then I'm fine, and it's just kept all inside. I like it that way. My oldest sister is engaged, and it seems my father favors her most. Why? I'm not so sure. She thinks she's the "good child", but she lied a lot, skipped classes, school and will never admit to drinking underage.. but she did. The next sister got pregnant only 2 months after meeting the guy. It wasn't planned, and everything was a huge mess, but most of the family has moved on. The baby, my niece Ariel, is beautiful, and although maybe my sister shouldn't have done thigns the way she did, I'm not ashamed to call Ariel my kin. She's now 5 months and 3 days old, and to this day my father has never held her. Most of our family felt like he did- disapproving about the whole just met the guy n ptregnant thing- but they don't blame the baby, they accept her. Not my father. He's never ONCE refeered to her as his grandaughter, or even part of the family. I thought there was hope the otehr day when he told me he was looking for a certain stuffed animal that we'd all had as little kids, butI guess I'm wrong. I asked him about it, and he said Suzi wrote the tags out. What are you retartded, can you not pull a sticker off and write your own? "She certainly wasn't writing THAT" is what he said to me. He's giving the gifts to her at our family party. Now everyones pretty much wondering what he was goign to write. If the gifts from me say Aunty, and lauren say aunty, and my mom say grammy, my grandparents say Grandmama&Grandpapa.. and his read "Santa" don't you think he's going to look like the idiot? I certainly hope so. Mom says she hopes he catches on this year, or in the next year or two, he's gonna look like a complete asshole when she understands that either grandpa doesn't get her anything, or grandpa won't let himself be called grandpa. Well Grandpa, gotta grow up eventually. She's a baby now, and you better not hurt her when she CAN understand, or see ya.. you'll learn just how quickly the ppl around you disappear. Nobody likes a man who won't even accept a baby, his grandchild as part of the family. As far as I'm concerned, until he shows that he gives even 1 shit about her, screw him. On a happier note: Merry christmas, and have a happy New Year! <3>

0 Comments

Listen up World...

06.29.07 (3:14 pm)   [edit]
Listen up yo,
I got suntin ta say,
You think your tough,
But ya just gay.
 
Lotta shit out thera’
Ya just duno,
Stop fuckin actin
This ain’t no show
 
Life dun care bout ya bitches n hoes,
Nobody gives a damn who ya boy knows,
Cut the shit “homie” it’s just gotta stop,
Ya gotta grow up n let ya balls drop.
 
Livin in this world ain’t no game,
Don’t be ignorant; you ain’t da same,
ya just gotta kno,
on da scale you low.
 
Look cut da bullshit;
you ain’t no gangsta,
So eat shit,
little tight ass wanksta,
 
Let it go,
You don’t want their life,
For the real hard guys,
Just livin’s a strife.
 

 

 

 

0 Comments

Where Were You...

06.11.07 (8:22 pm)   [edit]
Mommy, Daddy, where were you,
When I kicked and screamed, and called for help,
As arms reached down for me?
    I begged and cried and fought some more,
waiting for you to come to my door,
but you never came,
and I learned life wasn't all fun and games.
    I thought that I was going to die,
and after wanted to,
as he climbed up onto my bed,
and worlds spun through my head:
    You can't do this to me,
I'm just 14 you see,
I'm waiting 'till I'm married,
please don't do this to me.
    I promised to be different,
I want to keep my word,
don't rob me of my innocence,
don't hurt me anymore.
    Please, I promise I'll be good,
I'll keep my mouth shut,
-stop please not my panties,
I need those, God, please no!
    mom and Dad, where are you,
I'm calling out your name,
you told me you loved me,
so how come no one came?
    I scream until I can't no more,
and let him till he's through,
hurt and bruised and bleedin',
I don't know what to do.
    A needle,
and he drugs me,
the world begins to spin,
leaving me the memory, of his creepy grin.
    I wake up and I'm crying,
between my legs is sore,
there's blood on my panties,
and on my bed there's more.
    I want to take a shower,
clean all of me out,
I want to know why, no one heard me shout?
    Mommy, daddy, where are you,
he's back again;
Round TWO,
and ready for a screw.
   
     Please don't do this to me,
I can't do it again,
I never said a word,
No one ever heard!
    You can't do this again,
please don't drug me-no,
God, I can hardly see,
and my mind is gonna go.

 
Mommy, daddy,,
I can't even call your name,
and I hate to feel any blame,
but where were you?

2 Comments

Pirate Ship: All aboard to Neverland

06.05.07 (5:39 pm)   [edit]
Little Boy,
What's your name?
I'm Michael Jackson,
and I wanan hold your hand.
Come with me,
little boy,
we'll have fun,
discover treasure and more.
Put this on,
let's play a game,
call me peter;
it's all the same.
Hop in bed,
time to learn,
your unique,
kiddie, now your turn.
Lights turn on,
someone ran,
lawsuit? No!
We were playin' Peter Pan.
**If You even suspect someone is being abused/ molested, report it. Statistics say 1 in every 4 women will be sexually abused sometime in their lifetime. Sometimes it's even someone within the family- or someone well known. there've been many cases of people against famous sports players, movie stars, police officers and other looked up to people. Look for the warning signs and speak up.

1 Comments

Little Girl Vs. Cruel World

06.05.07 (5:32 pm)   [edit]
I'm just a little girl,
trapped in a cruel world,
just tryin' to get by,
and now I'm askin "why"?
I really hate the world,
and I really hate myself,
lost in the darkness,
all by myself.
Where was the world,
when I needed it most,
how could it turn it's back,
and leave me all alone?

1 Comments

Pieces of poetry...

06.05.07 (5:29 pm)   [edit]
Mist is cloudin' my judgement,
every aspect of me,
can't see what's before me,
can't hardly see...
Take a look at me now,
now that I'm on my knees,
I'm just watchingyou leave,
as I cry on the ground.
How can you just walk away,
leaving me without a sound.
You turn around and see me cry,
aren't you gonna say good-bye?
Your the only one who really knew me,
for so many reasons,
i can't let you go.
So take a look at me now,
not that I'm on my knees,
I see the look on your face;
there's gonna be an empty space...
Mist fades away,
leaving clouds around yellow lines.
They make me wonder:what do they mean?
I'm looking at my hands,
tightly gripping a wheel,
and an 8 sided figure flies by me.
I wonder what it's for, and why not a square?
But the clues are adding up,
it's starting to be clear-
The lines are on a road,
the wheel-I'm driving.
The figure was a sign.
I'm on the yellow-lined road-but where am I?
"Great rd" I see, okay okay turn quick,
guess I was on my way home.
Mist clouds my view. ahh, I can't see!
"Great road" I pass, Hmm, Have I heard that before?"
Who knows, who cares.
Pretty yellow lines...what do they mean?
Look, look at me on the right,
now the left!
Hey, what are those two bright lights?
Pieces of poemy things...

1 Comments

*~New Lifestyle~*

04.23.06 (1:14 pm)   [edit]
ALthough I'm trapped with nowhere of my own to go at my fathers house, I still have my mom's house. There's nobody but her adnI living in that huge house anymore. It's cool because I can have friends over, and there's two extra bedrooms, and lots of space, but it gets lonely, and I get scared being all alone. My mother isn't usually home. Only times I really see her are monday night for dinner, and Thursday night for our "date" :) Her and I go out to grab a bite to eat, and talk about whatever is on our minds. She's adorable. Since both of my older sisters moved out, we've grown a lot closer. I love that. It's important to me to have my family and friends. Today my dad, Suzi, Greg(lil one) and his friend are going shopping and out to lunch. Should be pretty fun I guess. I hope my mom doesn't get jealous, because I love both parts of my family just the same. In January we should ahve a new house in the woods behind my mothers house. It's going to me great. Same size as my mom's, with Kitchen, family room, living room, dining room, 3 bathrooms, least 5 bedrooms,and maybe a inground pool.(I'm hoping for an indoor one.) I'm so excited, I love it. I'll get to make up another room. My room at my mom's house is awesome. I have cuttings and random things all over my walls, my bunk bed, a ton of books and movies. I collect movies. All different kinds. I always have friends over, so I like to have ones that everyone likes. I'll go to places like Walmart or Hollywood video and get movies for cheap prices, and have my friends help me pick them all out. Afterall, it's not just me that'll be watching them. I don't have too much money myself, and neither do my friends, so I think since I can make money through my allowance ($8/week) then I can afford to do somethign good for others. That's my favotire thing. Helping people and getting my friends things that they can't get- make then a lil happier. :) Don't be thinking I'm not selfless though. I can be selfish- but who can't? I don't always make the best decisions, but usually it's my heart that blinds me. I just try to make everyoen happy and be there for everyone at the same time. LEt me tell you now, it's just not possible. I gotta go. Have a great day everyone. :) *Lee* p.s. If you had to choose between a mall full of people and your entire family...who would you save?

4 Comments

*~New Lifestyle~*

04.23.06 (1:10 pm)   [edit]
ALthough I'm trapped with nowhere of my own to go at my fathers house, I still have my mom's house. There's nobody but her adnI living in that huge house anymore. It's cool because I can have friends over, and there's two extra bedrooms, and lots of space, but it gets lonely, and I get scared being all alone. My mother isn't usually home. Only times I really see her are monday night for dinner, and Thursday night for our "date" :) Her and I go out to grab a bite to eat, and talk about whatever is on our minds. She's adorable. Since both of my older sisters moved out, we've grown a lot closer. I love that. It's important to me to have my family and friends. Today my dad, Suzi, Greg(lil one) and his friend are going shopping and out to lunch. Should be pretty fun I guess. I hope my mom doesn't get jealous, because I love both parts of my family just the same. In January we should ahve a new house in the woods behind my mothers house. It's going to me great. Same size as my mom's, with Kitchen, family room, living room, dining room, 3 bathrooms, least 5 bedrooms,and maybe a inground pool.(I'm hoping for an indoor one.) I'm so excited, I love it. I'll get to make up another room. My room at my mom's house is awesome. I have cuttings and random things all over my walls, my bunk bed, a ton of books and movies. I collect movies. All different kinds. I always have friends over, so I like to have ones that everyone likes. I'll go to places like Walmart or Hollywood video and get movies for cheap prices, and have my friends help me pick them all out. Afterall, it's not just me that'll be watching them. I don't have too much money myself, and neither do my friends, so I think since I can make money through my allowance ($8/week) then I can afford to do somethign good for others. That's my favotire thing. Helping people and getting my friends things that they can't get- make then a lil happier. :) Don't be thinking I'm not selfless though. I can be selfish- but who can't? I don't always make the best decisions, but usually it's my heart that blinds me. I just try to make everyoen happy and be there for everyone at the same time. LEt me tell you now, it's just not possible. I gotta go. Have a great day everyone. :) *Lee* p.s. If you had to choose between a mall full of people and your entire family...who would you save?

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*~A space of my own~*

04.21.06 (8:25 pm)   [edit]
It's been one hell of a week. Everything that could go wrong HAS gone wrong. I'm worried about EVERYTHING and beating myself up for every little thing-including things I can't control. Sometimes I want to shout, "I'm only sixteen!" Because I'm not sure people understand that anymore. I'm no super hero, I can't even protect myself for god's sake. My father and I used to be real close when I was little. I was "daddy's girl". As I started getting older, after the seperation of my parents we got even closer. Then suddenly I realized who my father really was. He was a liar, selfish, and made me feel like crap. I saw everything for what it really was, not blinded by the words "sorry" and "accident" any longer. I hated him for a time, and refused to stay at his house. And then two girlfridns later he's changed. He's like a real dad now. His girl friend moved in this past Thursday, and she's got two boys. One's 14 the other 17. They're pretty good kids I guess. But Now I have no bedroom, no little space of my own. My oldest sister got a room built down stairs for her, but because I'm not there every day...I get a couch... *Lee* (to be cont.)

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*~Sweet Sixteen~*

03.06.06 (2:26 am)   [edit]
As you will soon learn, there's irony to this chosen title. March 2nd was my sixteenth birthday. It should have been like I've dreamed it to be since I was really little. I was going to have a car and liscence, job and freedom like never before. No more stupid bedtimes I thought way back when I was six. But things weren't quite as I expected. Two of my best friends Nicole and Abby were away. One in Florida, the other in Isreal for the entire schoolyear. My other friend Zack wasn't in school, which made my lunch quiet and left me sitting alone at the end of the table. IT was just rather depressing I thought. IT seemed nobody was realyl around. I was extremely happy that my friend Ashley came over my house after school, but once she left I was once again home alone. IT was Thusday, and My older sister had told me she'd be home- but of course she wasn't, to no surprise either. I decided to still make the best of things, and thought, "Well at least I'll be out with my family tonight, that'll make things better." I called my father up since he had called me while Ashley and I were watching a movie, and asked if he was coming to dinner. I had expected him to say "of course, what time?" Like always, especially seeing I had told him the day before and it was my 16th birthday! Well, it sure was a let down to hear his calm voice say he wasn't. I wanted to burst into tears. "What do you mean your not coming?!" I wanted to shout. But he must have forgotten that I told him the night before and made plans with his girlfriend. He didn't even tell me what his plans were, just that he couldn't. We argued for a little while because he kept telling me that I should have told him in advance-which I honestly did, but he's an ignorant man you see. He's always right. So I told him it was alright and hung up. I guess I'd been choking back tears the entire time, because suddenly they came streaming down my cheeks, their sharp acidicness burning my eyes. I cried for a couple of minutes before hiding them once again to call my mother. She was screaming at me about who-knows-what, and saying she had to get off the phone(her cell). I told her that Lauren and Al(my oldest sister and her bf) were coming and that my father wasn't. She was basically like "okay whatever bye" So I hung up with her, feeling even more like shit, and having nobody to call, seeing my closest friends were either away or busy. But sure enough when my mother returned that afternoon from work, she was PMSing. My sister came come and was slightly bitchy. I had misunderstood what my mother had said about what time we were leaving,and stepped into the scorching waters of the shower to be rid of everything. IT was so calming. Probably the best part of the day, which is pretty sad that I'm happy about a nice warm shower. And I ended up breakign down again, but nobody could hear me sobbing, I turned the radio up loud to prevent that. It's doubtful that anyone would come check on me anyways. After I got out of the shower and was dressed, my mother is again screaming at me. I guess she'd said we were going t be at the resteraunt BY 7. She asked me about why my father wasn't going, and I just prety much gave her a shrug. She continued, getting all up inn my face yelling, and I just told her I didn't want to talk about it- that it didn't matter anyways. IT was only my birthday, I'd have another one next year. Of course, there's always things nearly everyone will ever understand about why I wanted to go out with them so badly, but that's okay. I apologized for being ready late, and everyone was all like "Are you fucking ready?" "Yea im fuckin' ready, are you?" "Fuck, I forgot this" "F'in' get in the car then!" Now I'm not one to curse anymore, so I apologize for the vulgarity, I'm just trying to tell you my story here. Finally Lauren and her bf arrive in their car, and my mother, Karen and I were to go in Karen's car. I got into the passengers seat, and my mother in the back,but she was now yelling because to some mysterious coinsidence she couldn't get the seatbelt to work(she said it was too small). She screamed again and I told her I'd switch places with her. I pulled the belt to see how far it'd stretch, and it was most definately big enough for her. So anyways, we start down the road, and it's important for me to mention the fact that it IS March, Winter in fact and snowing pretty hard as you would expect in New England. My sisers car slid a little, so my mother told her to stay far away from my oldest sisters car infront of us as we were going down our road. We didn't make it down our road, for my eldest sisters car spun our of control, and was sideways one moment- backwards the next. We decided it was too dangerous to go out. Lauren and Al went home to their house, and KAren drove us back up our street home. Of course, there was more arguing about parking (whether she was too close to the house, or what would be easiest for the plow guy.. etc..) Anyways, I went inside, told them it was okay that we didn't get to go out, and retreated to my bedroom. I blinked the tears from my eyes, deciding I wasn't going to shed another tear, and crawled under the covers. IT was only 7:30 by this point. A while later, I'm not sure how long- maybe a couple of hours, my mother told me dinner was ready. I wasn't interested in eating though. I felt sick with worry and lonliness. I was afraid for the future ahead. I told her to go away. And again and again she kept coming back, yelling at me to come downstairs. One of the last times my father was with her, which surprised me since they are divorced and he'd said he wasn't coming. Mom later told me he'd just randomly showed up. She told him how upset I was about him not being able to go. He still made me out to be the "bad guy" as my mother calls it, and that I "should have told hi min advance". But hey, that's in the past. Eventually I went downstairs, and avoided them for the longest time. I confronted them both, about why I wasn't very happy. That I felt like all mom did since she got hoem was bitch at me (again excuse my language), and that dad made me feel like I wasn't important enough- that he didn't want to go. He hadn't even told me his plans(still hasn't). My mother did a fake apology and said she had a busy day. She'd gone to the store to pick things up, meaning to pick up my birthday cake, but forgot that. I opened their gifts, not exactly happily, but I wasn't choking back tears at this point. I recieved a new cell phone, which I've needed badly. I'm hardly home, so it's vital sometimes to get ahold of people for emergencies or rides, whatever. But I was kinda cheated out of actualy getting to use it. I don't really get it until they get a progress report from school. Origionally it was that I needed the three classes I had done horible in the quarter before, but they suddenly changed the rules on me, so who knows when I'll really get it. Suppose it may not matter. From my mother I got two shirts and a movie, I was greatful, but after I said good-bye to my father I retreated once again to my bedroom. Karen was in bed by this time, and I went in to talk to my mother to say good-night. She looked all sad, and apologized (full-heartedly this time) about being so bitchy earlier, and that she felt so bad for forgetting my cake, and she told me that she felt like she wasn't good enough for me. Becuase I was disappointed about my father not being able to come, she thought maybe she wasn't good enough for me, and wondered if I'd be better off living with him and all or better off without her altogether. I felt completely shattered when I heard all of this. I managed to hold myself together, and asure her she was pleanty, I loved her dearly and I wouldn't be better off living with my father. I gave her a bunch of hugs, waited until she was all comfy in her bed, and shut her door behind me. I couldn't imagine what she'd go on thinking if we hadn't had that little chat, if she DIDN't have me to vent to, and give her some support. My sisters would certainly never see to it that she was in a good state of mind, but in my opinion that's the most imporatant part about a persons well-being. Wouldn't you agree? So that night I retreated to bed in tears, and saw one missed call on my crappy-hardly working--cellphone. It was my friend NIcole down in FLorida. I quickly called her back, but she couldn't talk, everyone there was in bed. So we decided upon talking the following day sometime. My parents agreed that the following Thursday we could go out. But I collapsed into bed thinking about everyone I could ever remember encountering in my life and what a neffect they've all had on me. And then I did something I never thought I'd stoop to doing- I prayed. *~Lee~*

10 Comments

devil corruption

07.30.05 (6:41 pm)   [edit]

your devils spawn,
ur mind taken; gone
a cold hearted soul,
with one primary goal:
cause so much pain,
make the good strain,
watch us fall at ur feet,
crushed till we're beat,
a puddle of red,
looking back you wish those things u hadn't said,
that little innocent "pest",
you now lay down to rest,
a sister and a friend,
hearts to never mend,
looking up now you see,
this isn't who u wanna be,
looking back down that trail,
took the path u knew would fail,
painless dark life,
taking a child's innocence at the point of a knife,
blinking now i know you understand,
but it's not too late- take my hand,
make the leap into the air,
forget that it is heights you fear,
follow me to the golden gate,
see what could have been your fate...

2 Comments

Heart of Gold

07.24.05 (3:35 pm)   [edit]

Heart of gold,


secrets never to be told,


a friend I never got to meet,


a shattered soul soon to be beat,


 


trusting, caring, daring, strong


 


but something went so very wrong,


 


 


took a chance that tolled your life,


 


end result; a deadly knife,


 


a peaceful soul,


 


who met his goal,


 


laid upon the golden crest,


 


remaining in our hearts to rest.


 


   *Lee* tell me wat u guys think please.

11 Comments

Looking for a good guy out there...<3

07.08.05 (9:40 pm)   [edit]

This world is so confusing. I've been thinking a lot lately. I really want someone there...not just a friend, but a guy that can hold me tight, tell me everything's gonna be alright. Someone I can trust, honest and sweet. A guy that accepts me for who I am, and won't try to presure me into things I'm not ready for or try to change me. Sometimes I just feel like crying, and want some there to depend on. We can take care of each other. I may not always be the best person, friend, sister, but I try as hard as I can, hoping it'll count for something.


A lot of guys seem to have just one thing on their mind: SEX. Yea, I guess that is all a part of being a teenage guy all the hormones goin' blah blah blah.. but can't they control them a bit more. It's not all guys, but seems to be so many that I meet. It's getting harder and harder to find good guys lately. I'm not saying it's just guys guys that can be asses, b/c trust me, I know a lot of girls who can be quite...female dogs around certain times of the month(also known to my friends as :"Thursday" lol).


If ur a good guys out there, or even just a good person that wants to talk, leave me a comment.


I'm not sure if all of you know me, so let me tell you a little about myself for those of u who don't know me.


My name is Lee. I live in Rhode Island. I'm 15, and although I may act older or youner depending on my mood and the people I'm around I'm pretty mature. I'm not a player, I'm honest, and people say I'm pretty dependable. I guess I'm ur average girl, with a little spice- I go from hanging out with friends to chillin with horses, cows and the Llama, Justin  in the field near my house.I love animals. I like hanging out w/ my friends(love to yall!!), movies, mall, shopping, doing things outdoors, beach,swimming, read ing, writing poems and stories.And for stpid lil info: I have dirty blonde/lt. brown hair, brown eyes, I'm nearly 5' 7.(and thankfully not growing any taller lol.)   


I'm starting to wonder If I've been searching for a guy who isn't even out there. But hey, guess it's good to dream. Just looing for someone with a good heart. I'm all about personality (if they're cute, it's a bonus lol).


    & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;    *~Lee~*   aka: MuNcHkIn 

11 Comments

Playa got Served

06.06.05 (9:54 pm)   [edit]

Act like an ass,


a little sissy lass,


gonna get a lil bitchen at,


a little hitten at,


n we all gon' laugh,


when ya in da caf,


all by ya self,


like a toy dusty,broken on a shelf,


cuz ya jerk-off,


a little flirt-off,


a playa, a prick,


ya make me sick,


 na' sad dat ya down,


ya kicked so many ta da groun',


rewind, ya turn,replay,


ya pay,


got what ya deserved,


so look now mother fucker, who's been served?

10 Comments

~*Poems*~

06.06.05 (9:48 pm)   [edit]

Slave Girl


I'm Down on my knees,
begging you please,
drop your knife,
I'll give you my life,
fall at your feet,
let me be beat,
long as you sware,
you won't touch a hair,
on anyone else,
so release your belts...


 


Not My Time


Necklace of rope,
hangs from a slope,
breaking my hope,
learning to cope,
feet leave,
death I shall receive,
lack of air,
wondering if anyone will even care,
last breath,here comes death,
trying hard not to cry,
for I've realized I didn't really want to die.


 


*Lee* tell me wat yall think plz.

3 Comments

(...Here I come?)

06.06.05 (4:49 pm)   [edit]
I've been thinking what to write for a while now, that's why I haven't written in a long time. After I'd written my privious entry I was planning on writing "...Here I come" About how I was ready to stand up, fight back, not take shit. But a lot has changed since then. I guess I'm not as independent as I'd like to be. I'm starting to slide away into a corner again. Away from people, invisible, hidden. Starting to wonder if I could just slip away easily unnoticed and dissappear. Would I be able to get away, escape without anyone knowing where i was? Been wondering that. Been wondering how free Americans really are. Thinking a lot. I'm screwing up a lot. Think I'll try doing what I am supposed to do, what makes things better. No more getting others in trouble.

One thing I refuse to break is my vows. They're the one thing I can hold onto. I don't wanna loose them. Maybe others would think they're stupid. I gotta go, I'll finish later. REady to break down... *munchkin*

3 Comments

Ready or Not...

04.21.05 (4:23 pm)   [edit]

Ready to cry,
not sure why,
as tears brimming in my eyes,
trying on a smile of disguise,
getting ready,
palms growing sweaty,
becoming one,
finally done,
gonna let some tears flow,
my true feelings really show...


*Maybe im ready to just let go, write away, talk away, stand up for what I believe in, let go with my wrods in my heart, the tears. I have trouble talking to most people..have trusting issues... but with the ones i trust, i think i might be ready to talk... I've been thinking about that for a while..who do i trust? Prolly Nicole and Ash... I think that's it. There's a few ppl that it's easy to talk to them, but i'm either not sure yet, or don't fully trust them. I know i don't have the best judgement, or even close... but im trying with that and everything, if that even means anything anymore...


When ppl say hurtful things, is it better to talk, explain, or just forget and move on?  *Lee* (an asshole?)

2 Comments

*~SiLeNcE~*

04.11.05 (4:06 pm)   [edit]

Spoken my mind,
tried to be kind,
please don't be mad,
you guys are all I've ever had,
but I'm starting to defeat,
everygood friend that I meet,
my words only bringing hate,
maybe silence really is my fate,
so I'm fallin under
into the land of wonder,
not another tear shall be shed,
nor hurtful words said... 


    & nbsp;   &n bsp;    I'm sorry everyone I've hurt. I'll try harder, I wanna be a better person. I don't want to make anyone else fight. It seems lately all I've been doing is starting fights  with  everyone or screwing things up. I need some time to think. For now,my symbol's standing strong... *Lee*

8 Comments